My family has always been a force of stability and support in my life. Ever since I was little my mom emphasized that we had to support each other and prioritize having healthy relationships with each other. Even though when we were little we loved to bicker and get on our siblings’ nerves, at the end of the day nothing we do can change the fact that we are family. So, why is it that when applying to colleges I didn’t apply anywhere in the state of Massachusetts? Why is it that the three kids in my family all go to college in different time zones? Maybe it is because of that stability and support. Even leaving home and spreading out across the country we know we are there for each other. We may not be able to connect as frequently as we would if we all went to the same school, or even lived on the same coast. Still, when we do get together or call over the phone it is comforting to feel such a close sense of familiarity and unconditional love and support.

Even though this support can span time zones more easily than ever before with FaceTime and iMessage, it is not sufficient to replicate the environment one experiences living at home as a kid. As a young adult, I will admit that I am not ready to face the world alone. For a new place to feel like home, it has been important for me to find a surrogate family that can offer intergenerational relationships and strong support. I have been lucky to find these relationships and family networks both at Stanford and during my time studying abroad in Florence.

The idea of a family has expanded greatly since the mid-20th century. In light of challenging family environments and other circumstances, people have grown fond of the idea of a chosen family. The concept is grounded in the idea that family connections are not solely bound by blood or legal ties but can be formed through mutual support, love, and commitment among people who are not biologically or legally related. Chosen families were born out of the challenges the LGBTQ community faced throughout history, but became more common during the AIDS epidemic. Since then, the chosen family has broadened even more to include friends and mentors considered as close as family, serving as confidants, guides, and integral parts of one’s support system.

At the beginning of our lives, family refers to the people who raise us. As we go through life, this circle expands. It can include family friends who become like aunts and uncles, teachers who we grow close with at school, members of communities that are important to us, or close friends who end up being invited to join family dinners or traditions. I am lucky to have found some of these relationships early on in life and am grateful for this expanded circle of support that has grown around me. Even later on, our families grow further as it is intertwined with romantic partners. As we or our siblings get married family histories are woven together, creating a unique tapestry of family backgrounds for each new branch of the family tree. 

In the US, it’s common to reach a moment where family members go their separate ways. As of 2020, 58% of Americans still live in the state where they were born, indicating that a slight majority of Americans stay in their birth state. However, it’s significant to recognize that many U.S. states are larger than most countries in the world.  To put this into perspective, the median country’s total area is 45,000 mi2 and the median state’s is 54,000 mi2 (20% larger than the median country). Therefore, when the remaining 42% of Americans move out of their home state, they might end up living as far from their families as they would if they were to move to a different country.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics “By age 27, 90 percent of young adults… moved out of their parents’ homes at least once for a period of 3 months or longer. The median age at the time of moving out was about 19 years”. Many of these people, like me, move away from home for higher education. I moved from Boston to California, meaning I was faced with a dramatic change in culture, weather, and location. When first arriving at Stanford I had never met anyone who lived in the Bay Area. Although this was immensely challenging at first, it meant that over time I built up a support system of my own chosen family. 

This experience forced me to become better at asking others for support and to regularly check in with people close to me. I no longer had a de facto support system that I returned to every day, nor did I live with a group of people who were expected to support each other. I had to cultivate these systems on my own to find consistent and strong support.

Establishing surrogate family relationships in new locations is extremely important when we’re away from our familial roots. These connections often emerge with people we meet in our daily lives—neighbors who check in on us, colleagues who share our challenges, or community members with similar interests. They become our chosen family, providing emotional support and companionship, similar to what we might experience with relatives.

Intergenerational connections add a unique value to these surrogate families. Older mentors can offer life advice and wisdom, while younger people bring new perspectives and energy. This two-way exchange enriches both sides, providing guidance and inspiration.

It’s crucial to be proactive in fostering these relationships. Opening up to others, seeking advice, and giving back helps create a supportive network. This chosen family can anchor us, offering a sense of home and community, no matter where we are.

At Stanford, the transition to university life was made smoother by the powerful bond I found with my girlfriend Lishan’s family. Living just a five-minute walk from campus, they quickly became a wonderful part of my weekly routine. Their home was an escape, a place where I could leave campus stresses at the door. Every week we get together for a home-cooked feast prepared by her dad, accompanied by great conversation and lots of time spent with her dogs. Their support was especially meaningful when I was targeted in an antisemitic hate crime on campus. Her parents were keen to help support me personally and to try to drive institutional change that would prevent something similar from happening again. 

While studying abroad in Florence, the Stanford in Florence Family Program introduced me to a local family that soon felt like my own. Our weekly dinners were marked by a warm exchange of stories and laughter, creating a welcoming space that made Florence feel less foreign. Their kids, a 10-year-old son, and a 16-year-old daughter, added a really exciting burst of energy to our gatherings. Our conversations ranged from a musical exchange where they shared different eras of Italian music with us to conversations surrounding the benefits and challenges of Italy’s relationship with America.

Additionally, while abroad the faculty in residence provided a different kind of mentorship. Professor Naimark, a professor of Eastern European history, was a guiding light, particularly in making sense of the complex emotions and political turmoil following the October 7th attacks on Israel. His historical perspective was both interesting and grounding. Similarly, Professor Jolluck’s conversations during our cooking classes were a lot of fun. She always has great stories to share and is a brilliant thinker.

These experiences have been more than just comforting; they’ve been instructive, shaping my views on the importance of building intergenerational and surrogate family bonds. They’ve shown me that family structures can be created, that support can come from those we do not yet know, and that home isn’t just a place but the people who make us feel we belong. These networks of surrogate families and intergenerational friends do more than just fill our schedules; they provide emotional support, wisdom, and a sense of belonging. They are the bedrock upon which we can build a fulfilling life in unfamiliar territories. By being proactive and open, we weave a social tapestry that not only enriches our own lives but also contributes to our new communities.